The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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