you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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