just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Randomize
