dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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