Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
