Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
