You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
