i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
