i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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