can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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