dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
