don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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