From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
