Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
