i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
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What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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