That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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