not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
