There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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