So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
