Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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