Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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