literally had 100 drinks last night.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
