I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
