You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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