Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Found the puke drawer
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
