My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
