instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
