I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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