Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
