When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
