Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
