I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
