Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
