God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
