I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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