Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
