i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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