im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
