I met the friendliest cop last night
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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