I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
