im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
