how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
