I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
