I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
