Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
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I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
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I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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