some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
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