Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
