Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
