SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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