Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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