I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
