Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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