Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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