I think my vagina is haunted
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
