one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
