Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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