I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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