its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
