You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
